my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
