I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
