There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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