omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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