dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
