my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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