he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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