Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
