you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
