I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
