I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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