tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He? As in you personified your dick?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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