dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
