O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
