My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
