this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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