Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
