I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I intend to get homeless drunk
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
