I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I want a musical about memes.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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