Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have feelings that need drinking.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
