The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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