You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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