why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
