we have officially lost it.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
