I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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