I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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