i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
