dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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