Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
