i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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