Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I need to align my fucking chakras
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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