I puked a lego.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
