Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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