I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize