Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
