just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
