Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
