Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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