How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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