Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
