be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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