those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
