porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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