im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
