He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
