If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
