This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
In America we eat man semen.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
