the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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