Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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