Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
