My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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