Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
