Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
