my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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