Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
