i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
