now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
