yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize