i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
