it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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