I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
