I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
